Sunday, May 01, 2005

Everyone, quick, roll your eyes before you read this. You'll thank me at the end.

Oftentimes Dominic and I like to speculate on what our future children might look like. It's a game we can play for hours because, really, with our particular mix of genetics anything is possible from Mariah Carey to the Loch Ness Monster. Yesterday, as we were frequenting the local Krispy Kreme, he made me laugh really, really loudly by declaring that our chances of having Chinese babies were better than average. Please, let me explain.

Dominic is half Filipino, and though his eyes are faintly almond-shaped, he doesn't look particularly Asian for the most part, except for sometimes when he laughs, and I call him Laughing Filipino Man, which is something he loves. Trust me.

I, on the other hand, am white.

White white white white white white.

My heritage consists of a bunch of white people from the Continent breeding with other white people from the Continent for centuries and centuries, and with everyone in my family this is blatantly apparent...except, perhaps, for with me. Don't get me wrong. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin. I'm like the Aryan Nation, but with love and tolerance for everyone in my heart. But, the shape of my eyes, they're...suspiciously squinty. I have narrow, almost almond-shaped eyes. They're blue, yes, but they hint at something more than Caucasian. It's not terribly uncommon for me to be asked whether I am in any way part Asian. The answer is no, not that I know of, but thankfully, my legacy to give to my future children will be a precise mix of races, almost like a recipe, and they will thank me that they have such a ready made answer (quarter Filipino, quarter black, half white) for every time someone cocks his head, squints his eyes, and says very rudely and blatantly, "What are you?" to each of them.

Also, they shouldn't have to worry so much about getting sunburned in the five minutes it takes to leave one's house and access one's car. See how I thought ahead when I married Dominic? If I'd married a white man the chances of my having albino babies would have increased exponentially. I'm a thoughtful person, indeed.

--Wait, I was explaining how Dominic and I might have Chinese babies, not albino babies. Okay, so this is how:

Dominic is part Asian, and I'm not but I look it from certain angles, and the color of our future babies will probably be somewhere in between both our respective skin colors now, which may result in something called "high-yellow," which is apparently a term Dominic's family has for really light-skinned black folks. Mix that in with the black hair they stand to inherent from daddy, and the narrow eyes they stand to inherit from us both, and voila, Chinese Babies!

It's true folks. I'm sure you'll all laugh now and be tickled like I was, and not offended that I've been going on so irreverently about race again.

P. S. Today, I found Dominic perusing to get a better idea of what our babies might look like. He's informed me we're screwed, because the closest person he could come up with is Mariah Carey, who's half white, a quarter black, and a quarter Venezuelan. I said that's okay; she was pretty when she was younger. Then he said, "OH MY GOD, Jennifer Beals from Flashdance is half-black!" and then, "OH MY GOD, Slash from Guns N'Roses is half-black!"

The lesson here, folks, is that it is possible to make Chinese babies without being Chinese and can you believe Jennifer Beals is half-black? Dominic sure couldn't. And neither can I.


Blogger Audra said...

Wow. So that's going to be a nice surprise for you. Instead of wondering the sex of your baby you'll wonder the color. That's cool!

I will undoubtedly have white children (I am marrying an Irish man), but I want to adopt after that and I will definitely get a pretty ethnic baby. That sounds really bad. Like I'm gonna just go to the baby store and pick out whatever color I want. "I'll have mocha with almond eyes, please."

7:47 PM  
Blogger Ethan Wiggum said...

i laughed for a solid five minutes on this one. thank you.

because, i guarantee, each one opf us has, at some point, no matter how serious or casual the relationship, looked at the person we were with at the moment and thought, "hmmmm... no, our kids would be all fucked up."

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It appears you've got the SKINny on the color situation pretty well covered; actually mocha with almond eyes sounds quite appealing, but in actuality, you'll love whatever you produce - - JUST NOT YET!

2:52 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Don't worry. No chance of Chinese Babies just yet.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

Sometimes when I read your blog, the only word that pops into my head is, "Wow." You are too much.

P.S. If I stick with the current boyfriend, I might end up with red-headed Irish babies. That's surprising to me, but somehow your Chinese babies just tops whatever I could produce. Jeez, Kate.

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is craig is it not amazing that a ferguson could make a tan baby. kate, you have skill cause you know my babie will be albino. hey dominic.

12:56 PM  
Blogger liam's mom said...

Before we had our son, we used to wonder what our babies would look like-half Korean and white-blonde/blue-eyed. We said things like, "If they have your almond-shaped eyes, but my blue eyes"; "Your curly hair, but lighter than mine"; "Definitely mommy's ears" (we could only hope), etc. When we found out we were having a boy, I imagined a miniature of Billy; another someone just like him to love, but when he came out of me, Liam looked like an alien monkey and I thought, "Wow, this kid is kinda goofy looking and doesn't look ANYTHING like Billy." But now, a year later, I think he's the most beautiful thing in the world-I LOVE his face (Billy says it's because he looks just like me and I'm a narcissist) and the ears he inherited from daddy. Dominic and Kate, your children will be beautiful and beyond anything you ever imagined.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On days like today when u think ur not going to be able to smile all i have to do is come here. There is always something so funny that will just make u laugh. Oh and bro dont forget the term redbone. Thanks u two i needed that. drgaskn

4:56 PM  

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