Fear
Today, Dominic and I stopped in at a local coffee shop for a moment before heading back to the house for good, as it's supposed to snow tonight. While we were there we sat down on one of the shop's many couches, and he picked up a newspaper and asked me if I'd ever seen a tumbleweed. I looked at the picture he was pointing to. THE TUMBLEWEED IN QUESTION WAS THE SIZE OF A SMALL COUNTRY, AND IT WAS EATING A TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. "Great," I said, "One more thing to be scared of here. Gigantic truck-eating tumbleweeds."
Maybe I've mentioned it before, but I'm scared of nearly everything, and after a while, being afraid of so many things that occur so frequently grows very wearisome and taxing. One day it would be nice if I could wake up and just be normal for once. You know, not have a minor anxiety attack if Dominic wants me to order the pizza this time, thereby forcing me to talk on the phone to a stranger. On the phone! To a stranger! So, anyway, here's an abbreviated list of things I'm randomly afraid of:
Phones and strangers, of course. Power tools, gas grills, most board games, most card games, cars, driving cars, driving cars in the dark, driving cars in unfamiliar places, driving cars in the rain, driving cars in the snow, driving cars on icy roads, driving cars on the freeway, driving cars in downtown areas of cities, driving...well, driving cars, period. I'm also afraid of falling down flights of stairs, falling down while I'm running outside, falling down when I'm on the treadmill, falling down because I'm clumsy. I'm afraid of making small talk, afraid of meeting new people, afraid of navigating crowded department stores, afraid of new jobs and new schools. I'm afraid of people older than me. I'm afraid of people younger than me. I'm afraid I'm not applying myself enough in anything I do. I'm afraid I'm too lazy and too indecisive to get anything worth doing done. I'm afraid I'm not smart enough. I'm really afraid I'm not smart enough. I'm afraid of math, of even doing simple addition, or figuring what kind of tip I should leave waitresses at restaurants. I'm afraid when people ask me the time if I'm wearing an analogue watch because I still can't read one quickly. I'm afraid when people ask me for directions because I still regularly mix up something so simple as telling my left from my right. I'm afraid when people look over my shoulder to make sure I'm not messing up. It makes me nervous; then I mess up. I'm afraid when I cry a little every time I read a sad story in a newspaper because I think life is making me more and more sensitive to every bad thing that happens, and I don't want to be always feeling so sad.
Okay, so that's a lot of stuff to be scared of. And like I said, that's not a complete list. But, hey! Here's something I'm not afraid of at all, not even a little bit: bugs.
Okay, I'm scared of spiders. But, I'm not scared of cockroaches! Or worms! And I can bait a hook! And then take it out of a fish's mouth! Not everyone can do that, but I can. It's a little bit of comfort, especially when I find myself being so impossibly, irrationally afraid of everything else.
Maybe I've mentioned it before, but I'm scared of nearly everything, and after a while, being afraid of so many things that occur so frequently grows very wearisome and taxing. One day it would be nice if I could wake up and just be normal for once. You know, not have a minor anxiety attack if Dominic wants me to order the pizza this time, thereby forcing me to talk on the phone to a stranger. On the phone! To a stranger! So, anyway, here's an abbreviated list of things I'm randomly afraid of:
Phones and strangers, of course. Power tools, gas grills, most board games, most card games, cars, driving cars, driving cars in the dark, driving cars in unfamiliar places, driving cars in the rain, driving cars in the snow, driving cars on icy roads, driving cars on the freeway, driving cars in downtown areas of cities, driving...well, driving cars, period. I'm also afraid of falling down flights of stairs, falling down while I'm running outside, falling down when I'm on the treadmill, falling down because I'm clumsy. I'm afraid of making small talk, afraid of meeting new people, afraid of navigating crowded department stores, afraid of new jobs and new schools. I'm afraid of people older than me. I'm afraid of people younger than me. I'm afraid I'm not applying myself enough in anything I do. I'm afraid I'm too lazy and too indecisive to get anything worth doing done. I'm afraid I'm not smart enough. I'm really afraid I'm not smart enough. I'm afraid of math, of even doing simple addition, or figuring what kind of tip I should leave waitresses at restaurants. I'm afraid when people ask me the time if I'm wearing an analogue watch because I still can't read one quickly. I'm afraid when people ask me for directions because I still regularly mix up something so simple as telling my left from my right. I'm afraid when people look over my shoulder to make sure I'm not messing up. It makes me nervous; then I mess up. I'm afraid when I cry a little every time I read a sad story in a newspaper because I think life is making me more and more sensitive to every bad thing that happens, and I don't want to be always feeling so sad.
Okay, so that's a lot of stuff to be scared of. And like I said, that's not a complete list. But, hey! Here's something I'm not afraid of at all, not even a little bit: bugs.
Okay, I'm scared of spiders. But, I'm not scared of cockroaches! Or worms! And I can bait a hook! And then take it out of a fish's mouth! Not everyone can do that, but I can. It's a little bit of comfort, especially when I find myself being so impossibly, irrationally afraid of everything else.
posted by Kate at 4:21 PM
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