Friday, September 30, 2005

I Am a Moron, Exhibit 9,872

Dominic and I have eleventy billion cable channels. I'm sure we have this many channels as adults because as children we were television-abused, what with neither us being allowed to watch as much TV as we wanted, which for me at least would have been enough TV to give myself an aneurysm which would have turned me into a drooling, glassy-eyed, bobblehead, and then I wouldn't have read any books, and then I wouldn't have been an English major in college and met Dominic, and then the future would be forever deprived of our little nappy-headed chinese babies running around and confusing people with all their blinding multi-ethnicity. TV, folks. It can be dangerous like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future! It can also lead to mind-blowing stupidity.

Case in point. We have about 20 channels or so of nothing but music. Each channel provides a different genre, like Show Tunes! or Bluegrass. I often like to listen to the Adult Alternative channel. It features a lot of Natalie Merchant and Sting circa 1980. Also, there is a circulation of captions that appears with each song that provides helpful information about the band or singer, like so and so's bassist died of a heroin overdose in 1997 or so and so often likes to vomit live onstage or so and so likes to wear dresses...even though he's a man. Anyway, so I was watching the captions to a Dave Matthews Band song and the captions were telling me that two of DMB's members used to jam together before they were a band, and the names were up there on my screen, and I didn't recognize them, and I found myself wondering, "Hey, what's that lead singer's name again? I wonder if one of those names belongs to him. I wonder...IF I'M RETARDED?"

That is the single most dumb thought I have ever had. That was even dumber than not being able to do 1st grade math. I have hit an all time low.

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